How to Succeed in Business

Many people think that positions of power and authority in the business world must be won through hard work and sacrifice. Others believe that such positions can only be achieved through soulless opportunism and relentless ass-kissing. They're both wrong.

To further your career goals in any business organization, simply leave your work on someone else's chair when they're not in their office. Apparently, this simple tactic ensures that your agenda will become the top priority of the absent person when they return, and your needs will be met without regard for those who preceded you. Whenever you're given a job to do, put it in a file folder, attach a sticky note that says something ambiguous like "Call the client," or "Need these numbers ASAP!" leave it on someone's chair, then go play golf. When you come back to work, you'll find a line of anxious, possibly furious people outside your office, whose destiny you now control.

If I sound bitter, it's because this happens to me all the time. What makes it worse is that the people who leave these troublesome packages often don't bother to put their names on them, which prevents me from tracking them down and filing their work where the sun doesn't shine.

In a fit of outrage, I usually stuff the folder under a pile of papers on my desk and wait, composing my angry response for that delicious moment when the culprit shows up to inquire about my progress. Unfortunately, some people who play this game play it too well. Just before they leave the office, they tell some Senior VP that I'm working on the project.

A couple of days later, I get a nasty phone call from the VP, who wants to know why it's not finished yet. When that happens, I deny knowledge of the project, and slip the file folder into the office shredder. This usually deflects the problem for a few hours, but then the culprit and the Senior VP show up in my office and demand that I drop everything to work on the project immediately, without the benefit of the information formerly included in the the file folder, so I lose either way.