Saturday, March 20, 2010

Flaming Gay Christmas

By the end of my third day in St. Louis, I was pretty burnt out. I dropped off my dad, drove back to my sister’s house, and started hitting the Captain Morgan. I had achieved a mood just hovering on “jovial” by the time my brother-in-law came home from work, so he and I went out to dinner.

My brother-in-law and I don’t see eye-to-eye when it comes to politics, but the guy has a big streak of crazy, and we sometimes find common ground there. Pretty soon, our blood alcohol levels were in complete agreement, so we drove home and stole some Christmas trees.

Two gay men live down the street from his house, and one of them is a very successful decorator. He makes a point of decorating their home for various holidays, and it can get pretty spectacular. For Christmas, he put a large Christmas tree in his front yard and surrounded it with SIXTY three-foot trees, each one decorated in strands of twinkling lights. The guy had to modify his electrical system to achieve this.

He left the trees up for a couple of months, then took them down and piled them in his back yard to bundle for pickup. My brother-in-law has a small fire pit in his back yard, and it was a chilly night. Nothing burns like a dry Christmas tree, so we snuck over to their house like cat burglars. We gathered up armloads of trees, snickering and tripping over stuff in the dark. I could see the neighbors going about their business in the windows. It’s a miracle they didn’t catch us.

My brother-in-law started a fire in the fire pit, and once it was burning nicely he jammed a Christmas tree into the middle.


The tree smoked and crackled for about 10 seconds, and then an intensely hot roar of flame shot up into the sky, sending a twinkling stream of burning needles over the roof. Thankfully, it had rained for the two previous days, so we didn’t burn down anyone’s house.

We burned over 30 trees like this. Here’s a video so you can see what I’m talking about.


Anonymous said...

Well here is proof ladies, don't be misled, they never fucking grow up. Ten year olds for the rest of their fucking life!

Anonymous said...

Wow, way to be bitter, lady. Whats wrong with a little fun?

Holden said...

Tim, first, I know you don't need me to tell you this, angry anonymous person responding? Who cares?
Look, nobody was injured, there was no loss of value on the part of the original owner. There was hover a caper...that's cool. There was also a big assed fire? Always awesome.
Plus, the guy that the trees originally belonged to? He got a great story out of it! For the rest of his life around Christmas time he will be able to tell people about the year that 30 dead trees disappeared from his backyard one night.
That's a win win baby.
Good for you Tim.